It is 2:00 A.M. on a Thursday night. I don't have class tomorrow (thankfully), but there is no real reason why I should be up. I am awake largely because I have been thinking. Many college students, like myself, would be shutting down the bars about now. In recent days I've asked myself, why not do the same? Why not use that means to broaden my network of friends? You see, things change once you graduate from college. Friends that once were as thick as thieves move off, live their lives, and become pleasant memories. That, for me, is a tough pill to swallow. I suppose that it would be naive of me to think that anything else would happen, but I did regardless. Again, I am the begrudging slave to nostalgia.
Perhaps what has deprived me of sleep most is the sense that I have missed out on spectacular opportunities. I refer specifically to those opportunities to deepen and improve such bygone friendships. In looking back on my undergraduate years it is apparent that I had the blessing of being friends (sometimes only an acquaintance) with a host of truly exceptional individuals. It is an unforgivable shame that for many our friendship have withered and all but died. One must not allow such rare gifts to lay fallow in the field!
Now, having "conquered" my undergraduate goals I am in quite a different position. Freer, perhaps, but less socially capable due to my somewhat limited exposure to new social groups. All of my life I have been a proponent of quality over quantity---the Taurus, the ISTJ, the traditionalist. Yet now it seems that those quality relationships that I so gladly nurtured have been whisked away on a southernly wind. What is the thinking man to do?
I mentioned previously the consideration of taking a foray into the bar scene. I say that knowing well that such an affair would be a lost cause. My biases and my dislikes run far too deep for any real attempt at such. No, I will always dislike the drunkard, the crowded room, the coarse individual and the stench of cigarette smoke. No amount of nostalgia will ever change that.
The viable alternative is then the religious group. But, again, this poses some problems as well. While I have never felt truly unwelcomed by any Christian organization, the comfort level certainly varies. With any group (religious groups are no exception) there are always expectations to be met. Most of them are apparent, but many others are unspoken and bear the true weight of acceptance. Christians are for the most part a loving lot and one that is well-intentioned. I preface this next statement by saying that is does not apply to all such groups. They also can a be a cliquish, judging lot. I have participated in numerous such groups throughout my life and while some were indeed enjoyable and productive, many compromised the person for the sake of the Christian. What I mean by this is that one could not discern the true personality of the individuals in the group, rather, they were reflective of the group-think of the establishment.
In retrospect it appears that I have alienated both the social drinkers and the conservative Christians in this article. That certainly wasn't my intention. But the question still remains, what is the thinking man (or woman) to do? Are the days of the intellectual-social group all but gone from our society?
Having lived in a city of five years now I am well aware that my days of continual wilderness rambling have all but disappeared. There will be no more basking in the grandeur of the wilderness every day. Such a pleasantry makes solitude not only tolerable, but enjoyable. This is not the case of the city life. One may very well sit under the bows of a pine and hear the secrets of life pass o'er until the sun bids adieu, but the same person cannot do such in an apartment devoid of the beauty of nature.
Fundamentally, I feel that my problems boils down to two aspects of my personality: (1) a radically different perception of value than my peers and (2) an unwillingness to compromise on those things that I believe strongly about. Whether that makes me a philosopher or a fool I will not speculate, but it does put me in an unique situation.
One half-hour later, I still don't have the answers that I sought to find. Such answers never do come easily. Yet, the process of self-exploration through writing holds a great value to any person who observes life through the lens of self-reflection. Until next time,
Be true to your work, your word, and your friend.
